Lost, sometimes

Conflicted on medication, oh yes. My psych has given me Abilify, supposedly to help from getting sensory/socially overwhelmed. And it would be nice not to have to hide, to lock oneself in a bathroom stall and shake, to barely not break down crying, to be able to stand the noise of a restaurant or the subway. At home I'm in a low-stim, very low-contact environment almost all the time. I hardly ever got the type of social overwhelmed-ness that I got at college before I went there, just because I didn't have to deal with such big groups of people, or so many interpersonal things at one time. Once I quit Debate things got much better, but it still happened. And furthermore, I know that I won't be able to maintain this lifestyle – basically locking myself in my room and only coming out for class and meals – beyond this semester. So, the bottom line is, I may be able to use Abilify, I may even need it, but I won't be able to find out until the spring, and in the meantime, it makes me very groggy in the mornings and evenings, so much so that I can hardly wake up, and that, fluoxetine, and a subway pass mean I'll eat into my savings every single month. No money for cheap, happy-making things like a coffee or comic books, and definitely no money to go see Emmy. *sighs* I'm going to see if I can work extra hours this month and next. If I can make $100 I'll be able to break even on drugs+subway, AND be able to buy a bus ticket some time in October.

Parker is back at school – nobody to talk news with until I catch him online, and no one to call me down for a cup of tea and anime. Janet is working on her college applications. She wants to go to one school very badly, and I enjoy how excited she is about it. And nervous, too. I keep telling her that, with her application, the Ivies are going to fall all over themselves for her. I don't really see Scott much, which is fine. We've never been very close, but he seems to be doing well.

Sometimes, I lie awake with the lights off, and I can't remember where I am. Every room I've lived in forms in the darkness, flashes away. I feel dizzy, as if it's just me and the platform at my back, spinning through the sky, through the universe. I wonder where is up, and where is down.